Shadowed Thoughts
by yusahana6323
Summary: It's never when he's around that thinking about him hurts so much. Only when he's gone do I really realize... ShiroAki Shirogane x Akira


_Hello's everyone! If you clicked on this story hoping for it to be amazing, prepare to be very disappointed. XP  
_

_Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I submitted any story, period. .. But I'm back! With a Monochrome Factor fic at that. I know some of my longtime readers (if they still remember me) will want to kill me... hopefully this will ease the pain of my abusing my longer series? Anyway, just a little experiment with MF. :D Hopefully I do okay... please, let me know what you think!_

_(May contain spoilers, if you're waiting on episodes 10+ to be subbed. Hopefully with my mediocre translations skills for those 'future' parts I didn't screw something really important up...)_

_-yusahana6323_

**.oOOo.**

"… Again?"

Shirogane seemed unperplexed at Master's sighed question. He responded with a light, "They keep getting tougher and tougher," as he moved into the bar. Nikaido Akira followed him in, shutting the door quietly behind himself. He hung at the door silently, unsure what to do as Shirogane settled on a chair , taking off his long black overcoat and white shirt.

"Hm? Akira?" Master asked as he paused at Shirogane's back.

"Sorry. I just want to stay here for a moment."

A pale blue eye glanced at him worriedly, and Akira merely turned his head. Master held a hand out over the breadth between the Shin's neck and shoulder, feeling.

"They are getting much worse. Shirogane, you should take much better care of yourself. Akira, can't you cover for him?"

Akira shut his eyes tightly, not responding. Shirogane settled the question with, "Akira-kun is always busy. If I get into trouble, it's my fault. Akira-kun does the best he can."

_Akira-kun, Akira-kun, Akira-kun_, Akira thought cynically to himself as Master ran a hand over Shirogane's shoulders, searching for the best point to heal at. _Does he always have to say it like that?_

A yell of pain struck him, making him jump backwards into the door. His sharp grey eyes flashed open to see Shirogane convulsing in the chair, eyes wide in pain as the blue energy from Master's palm radiated over his pale skin. Akira almost jerked forward, but he stopped himself. It wasn't like Shirogane was getting attacked.

No… he wasn't getting attacked here.

The silence fell so quickly it hurt. Akira's body did rush forward now, stopping just short of where Shirogane sat.

"Are you okay, Shirogane?"

"I'm fine." It was said painfully, as if Shirogane was fighting to keep on the edge of consciousness. "Don't worry about a thing, Akira-kun."

_But I do._ He wasn't exactly surprised at the thought that sprang out of his mind , but he, for maybe the hundredth time, halted to ponder. Instead of saying it out loud, he said, "Like I would. Are you done?"

"I'm done with Shirogane. Can I speak to you for a moment though, Akira?" Master asked.

That was surprising, but Akira nodded. Shirogane didn't get up from the chair, his gaze fastened on his partner. Master clapped a hand on Shirogane's shoulder, causing the Shin to wince heavily.

"Sorry, Shirogane. I want to talk to him alone for a minute, okay?"

"… Alone, with Akira-kun?"

"That's right."

Again, icy eyes turned to Akira. He was irritated now. He dropped his Doppler on the ground and tromped heavily on it, snapping, "Get on. It's not like he's going to rape me or anything."

"He'd best not. That's something only I can do, Akira-kun."

"Get out!"

Akira knew he was being fiercer than usual, but he couldn't help it. Every time Shirogane glanced at him like that, he felt his irritation building up. He knew Shirogane too well at this point, though, to think that the older man wasn't hurt. He saw it in those eyes that were driving him crazy.

"Okay. I'll be outside."

He pulled on his clothes and left, buttoning the garments up as he went through the wall. Akira dropped into the chair, snarling at nothing. There was a moment of silence before Master said sternly, "Akira, you don't think I don't know how he keeps getting hurt, do you?"

No, he knew better. He couldn't fool Master, who saw everything. Glaring off at a distant wall, Akira spat, "So what?"

"Please just think for a few minutes, Akira."

"About what? So he keeps jumping in the way. It's his choice. It's not something I can control."

"Perhaps not. But, at the very least, consider the pain he goes through for you. Think why he would do it. It's certainly not because he enjoys being healed."

Of course not. "De?"

"Are you listening to me, Akira? I'm not saying that you have to level up or anything. At the very least, don't be so cruel to him."

"He likes it." It was an ignorant statement, and Akira knew it. He knew he was displeasing Master, from the deep frown that was becoming etched in the bar owner's mouth.

"You really are just a child, Akira. It's not that you're naturally one… you just choose to be that way. To be quite honest, I'm disappointed."

It was easy to tell. Akira didn't think he had ever seen such an expression decorating Master's face. He got up and went to the door.

"Akira –"

"Thank you for healing him." It was a mutter, but he knew from the slightly-brightened aura that Master appreciated it. "Later."

True to his word, Shirogane was waiting outside, hand resting on his injured shoulder. Akira stalked past him and headed home, knowing that the older man would simply follow. Though iron-grey clouds were swirling angrily in the sky, they reached home without incident, and Akira took the liberty of stalking up to his room and plopping himself down on the bed. Shirogane took up silent sentinel at his usual spot at the bedside. There was a long silence as Akira drew his knees up to his chest, glaring at the wall, before someone broke it.

"You're not hurt are you, Akira-kun?"

"No."

"I'm glad."

Another long silence ensued. This time, it was broken by the patter of rain on the window and roof. Through the din the rain provided, Akira ran Master's words through his head again.

He knew why Shirogane kept shielding him… or he thought he did, anyway. Shirogane always said it – "Suki da," "Suki da" – but Akira didn't know how much he could believe it. He knew very little about the Shin, while Shirogane knew almost everything about him. That didn't help give credit to Shirogane.

Just because he blocked a few blows, did that really provide proof that his words were true?

"Akira-kun?"

As if in response to his internal question a memory – one he hated, one that he tried to not think about – sprung up: a weak, sick Shirogane pinned in Nanaya's arms, helpless against the dagger shoved right into his face. Akira had run into that like an idiot… he knew that he had felt like he couldn't abandon Kengo or Aya, but Shirogane had warned him and this had happened… again, when he was about to die…

_"Shirogane, what the hell was that?! Just like I thought, you don't trust me, do you?!"_

_"I believe, and I waited but… he was going to kill Akira-kun…"_

He remembered the shock, the strange feelings that had struck him at those weak words.

_"Because I love you… I came."_

That had had the most impact. He hadn't been able to move – he had been held in place by the adrenaline, the shock… and that feeling.

"Akira-kun?"

A hand touched his arm – he jumped again, yanked out of the memory. His eyes cut to Shirogane's blue eyes, and he relinquished anger for surprise when he saw the worry layered in them.

"Are you okay, Akira-kun?"

That gaze… it was for that gaze Akira had rushed into a fight again, though he hadn't been strong enough. It was that gaze that had made him stand out in the rain, staring soullessly at the sky. He hadn't understood… did he still not understand, or was he just hiding the truth from himself?

"I'm fine." He yanked his arm away and snarled, "Leave me alone!"

Shirogane pulled back, surprised, obviously hurt. That stabbed Akira in the face. He gaped for a moment before he said, "I –"

"I understand." The Shin stood up, pulling the brim of his hat down slightly. "You've been stressed lately. It's my fault, isn't it? I've put a lot of responsibility on you. I'll go for tonight. Akira-kun will get lots of sleep, right? So I'll leave you alone for awhile."

"Shirogane, wait –"

But he had already strode through the wall, leaving Akira sitting stock-still on the bed, clutching his pillow. His eyes were wide. He stared at where Shirogane had disappeared, as if looking at it long enough would bring the Shin back.

It was a joke. Surely it was, right? Shirogane would come back any moment, smiling that annoying smile and singing in that annoying voice. But the minutes ticked by, and there was no return. It left Akira to battle the thoughts and memories that assailed him now.

_"If it's not you, it won't do."_

The hell? What was that -

_"I'm not joking around."_

Of course he was, he had to be! And then there was the image of Shirogane tied to a pillar, completely unconscious and quite obviously beaten. Akira's heart had thudded in his throat. It still did, at the very thought of it, and knowing that Shirogane had to undergo that because of him. But most powerful of all was –

_Shirogane lay, almost lifelessly, in Akira's bed, eyes shut heavily, drenched in sweat. His pale hand searched the air._

_"Akira-kun, please hold my hand."_

_"Quit jerking me around!"_

_"My hand…"_

There had been arguing, of course, but Shirogane had seemed much more at peace when Akira had finally relented at taken his hand, holding it tightly in both of his. Shirogane's pale, clammy hand had held fast to his, as if letting go would mean death.

One little touch had soothed the Shin. One little touch, compared to all the blocking, all the saves… the Shin's desperate effort to get to Akira when he should have been too sick to move.

That touch was the only time he had been kind to Shirogane. Yet, Shirogane was endlessly pouring affection onto Akira, despite all the arguments, the yelling, the abuse. It didn't make sense… no sense, except that maybe… just maybe…

The lights flickered, then went out, plunging him into darkness lit only by the streetlights outside. He glanced at his clock – nearing midnight. Akira fell onto his back and rolled onto his side, clutching his pillow to his chest. Shirogane wasn't there at the bedside, watching him adoringly like he usually did. Akira's grey eyes slid halfway shut, glazing over.

Thinking of those things when Shirogane was around didn't make him hurt this much. It didn't make him feel this lonely. It was only when the Shin was gone that his light voice and the small words carried so much and knocked around the inside of his heart painfully.

_"I love you."  
_

_  
_A silver drop slipped to the ground.


End file.
